GIORNALE DELLA MEZZANOTTE: PART DUE
As this years Giro d'Italia moved north through Italy, Don – with San Pel in hand took over the late shift, spiralling and documenting his sleep-deprived journey towards Torino.
SECTIONS
STAGE EIGHT
STAGE NINE
TAKE A BREAK
STAGE TEN
STAGE TWELVE
FOOTAGE MISSING
You can read part one of this years Giornale Della Mezzanotte here.
Our friend and team mate Max set the scene over the first week and two different time zones. Things get a little harder now, as narratives become more complex, stories are woven, fatigue for the rider and spectator begin to kick in, and we assume a naturally disadvantaged position of AEST, a further half hour later than Max from the comfort of his loungeroom in Adelaide.
Taking the reigns for this second week is Australian cultural icon, heartthrob, the modern day recreation of Michaelangelo’s David and chief Central Italian Correspondent – Don. Time spent Under The Tuscan Sun and aboard numerous vintage steel bikes informs his journey as we pace ourselves through the late nights of May, watching 150-odd professional cyclists get their tan on from Napoli to Torino during the guts of this years Giro.
STAGE EIGHT – IN NAPOLIIIIIIII
Saturday 14/05, 9:45pm AEST
NAPOLI → NAPOLI (Procida Capitale Italiana della Cultura)
153KM (INTERMEDIATE)
Hello and welcome to stage eight, and week two. The weather outside is weather and these are great conditions for some classy bike riding. Am I just noticing this now or are we referring to riders as classy when they’re particularly good? Anyway, I’d love for someone to call me a classy bike rider. Please?
We’re at the Giro! The tour with the most balloons! Can you believe that?
We’re in Napoli, the land Dean Martin serenaded us about, where pizza hits your eye and–Maradona! Speaking of pizza pies, I’ve got a bloody Nutella pizza on the way–grandissimo! That’s amore. Anyway, that’s not the point.
I’ve been away from the cycling world for a while and it looks different from what I remember. No Team Sky, No Tinkoff. There’s no Contador and no Froome. And is Van der Poel our new Sagan? By the way where is Sagan? These are the questions that I’ll throw into the ether but will barely attempt to find answers for. What I know is the teams look different, the riders look different, but hey Valverde is still around so I find comfort in that. Perhaps not for too much longer though, as there’s a team called Drone Hopper now, proof that we are LIVING in the future.
We also have new commentators – including me. In case you weren’t aware, here are my illustrious credentials for this job:
KOM of Toorak Road
Second last place D grade at Euroa crit
Top 10 CPC Carpark Climb
DNF St Kilda Crits
A nice man
So yes, I’m basically the modern day Fausto Coppi. Back to the bicycle race.
I’m noticing a bit of porpoising from the riders as they ride the bumpy Napoli streets at the start. Must be the new aero regulations in the world tour. We’ve got Cav’s biceps vibrating more than a set of subs playing Jame's Blake’s Limit To Your Love.
We’ve got Bridie with us tonight too.
HI BRIDIE.
And Gerro…anyway, laughed a tonne at Bridie saying that this stage is a bit like the Road Nats in Buninyong. She’s onto something, it does look a bit like Ballarat.
Van der Poel is off the front – so he is officially our new Sagan. According to Keeno and friends this stage is a good one for him so I’m simply going to jump on the Van der Poel bandwagon until the end. No one was willing to work so he just pulled the ol’ passive aggressive “I’ll just do it myself”.
I also must say that this Alpecin kit is kinda sick. Jonesy must love the olive. @Jonesy do you love the olive?
Speaking of Giant, what’s Marcel Kittel up to now? He was a bit like cycling’s Johnny Bravo, no?
At 142km to go I’ve got a Valentines Day message for next year:
Get yourself someone that loves you as much as Thomas De Gendt loves a breakaway.
Lotto are chasing Van der Poel down, while Van der Poel is chasing purple sectors. He gets caught, eventually…after 5 or so kilometres.
There’s currently a drone hovering just above the peloton, following them down the road for a bit. I’m having flashbacks to when Monty and I were in Tuscany for L’Eroica in 2018. Monty was getting some drone footage of the start and she crashed it into a light pole and it fell down onto some riders. She copped some select Italian words and almost didn’t get the drone back, but all was okay and so was Monty. Imagine if one of these broadcast drones crashed on the peloton – yikes! But then again Drone Hopper would just avoid all potential damage by hopping over – right?
Speaking of which, I rate the Bottecchia bikes that Drone Hopper are on. And how’s Keeno saying a rider with earphones in was listening to a podcast. Could you image? Riding a world tour race and you’re just tapping out tempo to Brene Brown talking about vulnerability.
With 90km to, my Nutella pizza shows it’s beautiful face at my door. Please give me a moment while I enjoy some of Italy’s finest exports together.
I almost spat my pizza out when they showed a castle and Bridie mentions that Dracula is so depressed all the time because there’s no heating in his castle. It’s a wild take and the logic is SOUND, I love her.
It’s so good to see Cav racing again, and it’s particularly cute because he’s just so small – just don’t tell him I said that. He’s like that No Off Button kid riding with his dad and other adults. This fast, tiny person.
80km to go and Keeno is on the Aperol Spritz’s. Fast forward and we’re at 65km, and the breaks gap is 2 minutes 48 seconds. Looks like they’re going to make it.
I’m not though. I tried, but my prestigious palmares will not be added to this evening. I must go to bed.
STAGE NINE - GET TO THE BLOCKHAUS
Sunday 15/05, 8:55pm AEST
ISERNIA → BLOCKHAUS
191KM (MOUNTAINS)
The peloton is setting out on a cute little bunchie from Isernia to Blockhaus. We’re on for a semi-bumpy ride with a summit funish, where the boiz will do over 5000m elevation gain. Blockhaus is apparently the toughest test so far, and I’m not surprised because it’s called Blockhaus. Everything is spelled out for you right there. If something was going to be challenging, I’d expect it to be called Blockhaus.
I’m joining from 181km left to go. I’ve got a margherita pizza and a San Pel Aranciata. Some friends from the UK are commentating this time and the first word I hear out of their mouths?
V a n d e r P o e l
Shock! Horror!
These guys from the UK aren’t as good as the Australian SBS team. They’re a bit boring and bland. Being British would possibly do that to you, hey? I fell asleep with 60km to go last night, so hopefully tonights stage is super interesting and Keeno & Friends come back ASAP so these guys don’t put me to sleep.
Okay, back to it – 175km in Keeno, Gerro and Bridie take over the commentary, exciting. Robbie was right to be kicked off to get Gerro and Renshaw. Mark Renshaw’s insights are terrific, a way better commentator. Keeno is obviously amazing, and I love Bridie’s commentary too. I feel like she loosens the boys up a little bit and makes it fun. Like yesterday’s whole Dracula thing – funny but not cycling talk all the time.
Can’t help but notice the helicopters and wonder what it’s like as a cyclist doing the Giro and you’re just riding your bike, it’s a nice sunny day and then you’ve just got helicopters around all the time. Do you stop noticing it? Or do you dream about helicopters every night?
Some phrasing I’m enjoying so far are constantly calling the riders classy and the ‘break the elastic’ of the peloton when talking about how super stretched out it is. That’s great – love the visual.
Gerro drops a free pro-tip on descending with a TV motorbike ahead – watch how the motorbike approaches the corner. When they approach, watch if they slow down or not, and if their antenna is really leaning over it means they’re really turning. Keep this in mind next time you ride with a TV motorbike a few metres in front of you down a mountain descent.
It’s been tricky to watch the Giro so far because I don’t really know the peloton that well so I’m not exactly sure who is even good? As a cyclist and a character. The only name I’ve heard to make any kind of assessment is Van der Poel, and he’s not even GC.
Who am I supposed be cheering for? Who do I want to bonk? I dont know!
Diego Rosa heads up the road to cop 18 points, dropping a group of maybe 6 in the process? I don’t know but that’s a lot of effort for someone who still has to ride their bike for another 150 kilometres.
Pause – hold the phone. How good are those fluro Ineos musettes? Waow!
There’s 137km to go and we’ve got the two break away groups together as one, at last. They’ve got some solid numbers so maybe they will get away? The peloton is just over 5 minutes down the road, and Trek Segafredo don’t seem to fussed, despite how quick they look on camera. The white and red, coloured matched glasses, AND the maglia rosa? Big vibe.
The riders start descending through Fara San Martino at about 112km, and I study the TV motorbikes. The overall scene is absolutely mindblowing. Renshaw was saying the other day that a lot of the time riders don’t take in the scenery, they’re too focused on racing. What a piss take. Surely there’s got to be some moments where they stop and say holy fuck I’m racing my bike through all these beautiful places, how cool.
And then they get dropped.
I’ve woken up after a small nap, following a quick doze. I am logging off. Apologies, this is another one for the highlights package in the morning.
TAKE A BREAK
Monday 16/05, 8:00pm AEST
REST DAY
Rest day. Pausa – relax.
If you’re reading this still, take a couple of nice deep inhales and try to exhale a little longer each time.
Mmmmm, feels good, si or no?
STAGE TEN – ONE FOR MICHELE
Tuesday 17/05, 9:00pm AEST
PESCARA → JESI
196KM (HILLY)
Alright, we’re back.
To be honest I needed that rest day too. To reflect on my Giro watching experience so far, it’s been really tough to get deep into it without any idea of who in the GC is in with a chance.
I do have to admit though, watching these dudes ride the way they are through this stunning scenery is kind of making me fall in love with cycling again. I’ve always been in love, but my road riding changed a lot since lockdown and the exploring and adventure part of it got reduced to a fun, fast local loop. The point is, I miss the hills and I’m keen to get back out and die on Donna Buang. I could die happy on Donna Buang, there’s such a nurturing mother energy about that area.
So anyway, I’ve had a rest from my 2 days of journaling. I’ve been trying to work up the fitness to stay up late by watching a lot of the preceding stages before I signed on. Now with a rest day I come back rejuvenated. I’ve reflected, learnt what I love about our dear Keeno & Friends. Hopefully tonight we get Bridie, Renshaw and Keeno from the get-go, that would be fun.
I wonder if they feel like I felt when I was working at McDonalds and you had those people you loved being rostered on with and it was always so fun. I hope Keeno & Friends are glad they get to hang with each other and talk shit all night while basically nothing of note happens, knowing that I am in my lounge room quite literally documenting about what they’re talking about.
Now – today’s stage. We are here.
One for the uphill sprinters, hopefully it finishes fast. Pan-flat stage on straight and mostly wide roads to start, then bumps galore to the finish line. There’s street furniture on the route so it could possibly be a bit treacherous, or comfortable. Depends on the furniture I guess. Are we talking plush Italian leather couches or a park bench built in the hostile architecture style? Hopefully the GC boiz stay out of trouble.
Mamma Mia! We’ve just learnt this stage is in memory of Scarponi – I wonder if Frankie will be blessing the stage. That would be wild, wouldn’t it? Could you imagine if Frankie suddenly appears on camera as the commentary team is talking about Michele Scarponi? Ciaooooo Frankieeeeee.
If you have no idea what I am talking about - firstly, fair. But secondly, some back story.
Michele Scarponi had a neighbour that had a pet parrot named Frankie. They’d let Frankie out and Frankie would fly around and find Michele on training rides and fly with him for a bit. Name a better training partner. We’ll be waiting for an eternity. How cool to ride with your neighbour’s parrot and it meets you while you’re out training. How fun.
I wonder if Frankie misses Michele. Was Frankie around when Michele was killed? I hope not.
We’re getting misty-eyed here in the lounge room. Blessings to Michele’s family. Rest in peace.
Joining from 187km to go, I’m with our boring UK friends again. Why do they sound so bored? Is it because this is operating roughly within their timezone? Is commentating after dark a different kettle of fish entirely? I need the cadence and changing tones of Keeno’s style. His kids would be so lucky to have had him read them stories or deliver them a stern word for not doing their homework.
I think I’ll be doubling down on Alpecin-Fenix being the best looking team. Trek do look the fastest but this is purely on aesthetics, not actual pace. Let’s also add AG2R to the hot boiz list. I was wondering why so many of the cyclists are good looking. It’s because of low body fat right? They’re all these lean sexy boys on machines.
The more I see the Bottecchia bikes the more I want one. There’s an old one for sale on steel-vintage that is SO hot.
Our UK commentary mates (althought they really should be classified as enemies at this stage) are having a good yarn about tan lines and mentioned the human ice cream which has absolutely sent me. Apparently that’s what you become when you have sunburn, tan and white skin. Imagine spending more than five minutes on such a topic. My god cyclists and cycling commentators can be boring sometimes. And one of the guys has just admitted to sunbathing in his kit just to look like a professional cyclist..jokes.
Do it for the gram, I guess? Question to all my subscribers out there, would you tan in your kit just to make your tan lines better? Sound off in the comments below.
Anyway, these guys from the UK almost sent me to sleep AGAIN, only to be interrupted by Keeno’s voice booming into the mic at 140km to go. He has me sitting to attention. I am back in familiar territory.
It’s a bit of a wild thing to watch cycling like this as your first proper introduction to human beings, and its just a meatball of human beings flying down a road at 50kmph on these tiny little machines being controlled by their entire body. If you will, imagine for a moment you’ve just landed on earth from a far-away galaxy, without any concept of the beings on this planet. You land in the middle of a field in Italy, think to yourself, “ey…not bad” and then this group of 50 cyclists come flying past on the machines they are on, and dressed up the way that they are and you’re just like ???????????????????????????????????
Watching the Giro d’Italia this time around has made me wonder, and become more interested in the strategy element of it all. I’m curious about how they decide who’s going to bring the break back, what are those negotiations like? Is it just which teams or riders want to win the stage? How do they make people pull a turn? Do they line up to vote? Are there sausages in bread?
Also, come to think of it. Professional cycling sure does take up a lot of time, hey. I’m not sure if I’ve struggle to watch it so much in the past.
Good news though, we’ve confirmed that Van der Poel is our new Sagan – the MOST dynamic cyclist of our time. I think if I were to be a cyclist, I’d rather be a Sagan or a Van der Poel than a GC rider. The personalities and impact of riders going for General Classification seems too deeply considered, a little bland, lacking true substance. Reminds me of Instagram.
Note: Simon Yates having a lot in common with Red Bull’s start to the F1 season during this stage. Seems to be overheating, a couple of reliability problems.
For the second time in the last few days the broadcast has cut and Keeno doesn’t know why. I’m familiar with this happening in Italy, it happened to me at the movies. Halfway through watching ‘Her’ in a cinema in Rome, the movie stopped, then a message came up on the screen that said ‘Pausa, relax’. It’s an intermission I guess, the transmission breaks happen so we all, spectators from the couch and commentators alike can just got have a little break. Riding will be back, and all together can “ahhhh, I rested. I pausa’d, I relaxed.”.
We’re 100km out – the road starts to get bumpy now and we’re going to start having a bike race on our hands. Finally.
I’m continually vibing Alpecin-Fenix, perhaps it’s the Van der Poel effect and I wonder if the best thing that happened to them as a team was that they dropped Giant to seem way less shit? Anyone have answers?
Bike Exchange make a move at about 88.5km to go, putting Christopher Juul-Pod Jensen out front trying to bait some other teams to come out too. I hope it doesn’t work, Bike Exchange deserve to be relegated from the World Tour for their kit alone. It’s a no from me dawg.
Caleb Ewan was struggling on the climb with 77km to go, and the other sprinty teams start to turn the screws to increase Caleb’s suffering. He’s absolutely popped on the first climb of this stage, and there’s still a long way to go and he doesn’t look great or comfortable or anything on the bike. No other sprinters were dropped, so I think he’s going to hop in the car soon. Strangely with 75km to go, I’m having de ja vu?
I think I’ve had enough for tonight. It’s time for bed. Goodnight world.
STAGE TWELVE – PROSCIUTTO & PESTO
Thursday 19/05, 9:30pm AEST
PARMA → GENOVA
204KM (INTERMEDIATE)
Well, well well, I needed another rest day.
Here I am again, and here you are…again. Hi. I’ve been extremely studious and have been watching the races from the very beginning, and have consistently finished none. I’m like that kid who sits in the front row of the class, eyes wide towards the blackboard, but lord there is nothing going on inside that head. Tonight’s stage is the longest stage and that alone tells me to tell you that the chances of me making the finish line are slim.
If I’m honest, I’ve struggled to be absorbed by the racing. Not a whole lot happens a lot of the time in a bike race. Would I rather watch them just smash laps and laps of a circuit, a bit like Formula 1, or even a criterium which is a little bit of a closer comparison? Probably. Point is, I’m not staying up to watch who wins the race, I basically do the boring bit and then bail before the actual good part happens which is a bit sad.
Anyway, about today’s stage. A challenging one at that, taking us across the Apennines. Half of it is a steady climb to summit Passo del Bocco. Then it’s a a few more climbs and a few more technical descents, hopefully with some TV motorbikes leading the way. Perhaps this will finally be the one stage I stick around for? I like the look of things on paper, and if I was a pro cyclist, and not someone who bonks at the first sight of Mount Donna Buang, I feel like I could win this one.
I’ve just re-clocked that it’s Drone Hopper on the Bottecchia’s. Nice.
Few interesting facts coming through from Keeno & Friends early on – noting that Bay Crits were the first races in Australia, and one of the first in the world with equal prize money for male and female categories right from the beginning. John started Bay Crits and gave Gerro his first pro contract. Point gained.
Point lost because Keeno can’t remember which stage is the longest in this years Giro d’Italia. I thought he knew everything? Point regained for the greatest cycling proverb since Jens Voigt’s “Shut Up Legs.”
“You don’t need a tour chef, you need a tour Nonna.”
Keeno is a legend, really taking his platform and speaking so well and positively about such important issues, such as Blockman in Lego Masters being a great role model for showing emotions and teaching youngsters that emotions are okay. On the topic of Cipo or Cav for the greatest sprinter of all time, he also said he’d mark Cipollini down for domestic violence.
I’ve not talked much about the race hahaha, but still honestly…nothing happened.
FOOTAGE MISSING
Friday 20/05, 6:00pm AEST
SANREMO → CUNEO
150KM (FLAT)
Saturday 21/05, 7:00pm AEST
SANTENA → TORINO
147KM (INTERMEDIATE)
I missed the last two stages of my shift. I couldn’t muster up any more motivation to press on watching.
When you’re not in tune with the GC and who’s out there, watching can be a little bit hard. But that’s not to say this wasn’t a positive experience because I’m so keen to get out and ride my bike, and if that’s all you get from watching these guys race bicycles, that’s wonderful no?
Goodbye, we will chat soon.
I love you, take care of yourself – and if you can, someone else too.
So concludes part due of our sleep-deprived Giro d’Italia documentation. A big pat on the back to Don who really pushed through an arduous second week of racing, technicaly difficulties in the broadcast and all. He now hands the giant flaming cannoli to Adrian who will bring you the final week of journalled consciousness early next week.
Ciao!